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Deleted member 473

"Who's on First"

(Lou Costello is considering becoming a ballplayer. Bud Abbott wants to make sure he knows what he's getting into.)

Abbott: Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello: Funny names?

Abbott: Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Abbott: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third--

Costello: You know the fellows' names?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: Well, then who's playing first?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The fellow playin' first base.

Abbott: Who.

Costello: The guy on first base.

Abbott: Who is on first.

Costello: Well, what are you askin' me for?

Abbott: I'm not asking you--I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Costello: I'm asking you--who's on first?

Abbott: That's the man's name.

Costello: That's who's name?

Abbott: Yes.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

Costello: Who is?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So who gets it?

Abbott: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello: Who's wife?

Abbott: Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello: Who does?

Abbott: Absolutely.

Costello: Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base?

Abbott: Oh, no, no. What is on second base.

Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.

Abbott: Who's on first!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: St. Louis has a good outfield?

Abbott: Oh, absolutely.

Costello: The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field?

Abbott: Who's playing first.

Costello: Stay out of the infield! The left fielder's name?

Abbott: Why.

Costello: Because.

Abbott: Oh, he's center field.

Costello: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?

Abbott: Wouldn't this be a fine team w i t h o u t a pitcher?

Costello: Tell me the pitcher's name.

Abbott: Tomorrow.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Costello: Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball--me being a good catcher--I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott: Now, that's he first thing you've said right.


Abbott: Don't get excited. Take it easy.

Costello: I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow--a triple play.

Abbott: Yeah, it could be.

Costello: Another guy gets up and it's a long ball to center.

Abbott: Because.

Costello: Why? I don't know. And I don't care.

Abbott: What was that?

Costello: I said, I DON'T CARE!

Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop!

Deleted member 473

Bluebottle What time is it Eccles?
Eccles Err, just a minute. I, I've got it written down 'ere on a piece of paper. A nice man wrote the time down for me this morning.
Bluebottle Ooooh, then why do you carry it around with you Eccles?
Eccles Well, umm, if a anybody asks me the ti-ime, I ca-can show it to dem.
Bluebottle Wait a minute Eccles, my good man...
Eccles What is it fellow?
Bluebottle It's writted on this bit of paper, what is eight o'clock, is writted.
Eccles I know that my good fellow. That's right, um, when I asked the fella to write it down, it was eight o'clock.
Bluebottle Well then. Supposing when somebody asks you the time, it isn't eight o'clock?
Eccles Ah, den I don't show it to dem.
Bluebottle Ooohhh...
Eccles [Smacks lips] Yeah.
Bluebottle Well how do you know when it's eight o'clock?
Eccles I've got it written down on a piece of paper!
Bluebottle Oh, I wish I could afford a piece of paper with the time written on.
Eccles Oohhhh.
Bluebottle 'Ere Eccles?
Eccles Yah.
Bluebottle Let me hold that piece of paper to my ear would you? - 'Ere. This piece of paper ain't goin'.
Eccles What? I've been sold a forgery!
Bluebottle No wonder it stopped at eight o'clock.
Eccles Oh dear.
Bluebottle You should get one of them tings my grandad's got.
Eccles Oooohhh?
Bluebottle His firm give it to him when he retired.
Eccles Oooohhh.
Bluebottle It's one of dem tings what it is that wakes you up at eight o'clock, boils the kettil, and pours a cuppa tea.
Eccles Ohhh yeah! What's it called? Um.
Bluebottle My granma.
Eccles Ohh... Ohh, ah wait a minute. How does she know when it's eight o'clock?
Bluebottle She's got it written down on a piece of paper!

Deleted member 473

Groucho: Look Einstein, here’s Coconut Manner. No matter what you say this is Coconut Manner. Here’s Coconut Manner, here’s Coconut Heights, that’s a swamp, and, uh, right over here by the road fork, that’s Coconut Junction.

Chico: Where you get Coconut Custard?

Groucho: Alright that’s on one of the forks. You probably eat with your knife so you won’t have to worry about that. Now here is the main road leading out of Coconut Manner, that’s the road I wish you were on. Now, over here on this side we’re going to build an eye and ear hospital, this will be a sight for sore eyes. Understand? Now, right over here this is the residential section.

Chico: People live there, heh?

Groucho: No, that’s the stockyard. Now all along here,this is the river front, and all along the river, all alongthe river those are all levies.

Chico: That’s the Jewish neighborhood?

Groucho: Well we’ll passover that. You’re a peach, boy. Now here is a little peninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Why a duck?

Groucho: I’m alright, how’re you? I say here is a littlepeninsula and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.

Chico: Alright, why a duck?

Groucho: I’m not playing “Ask me Another”, I say that’s a viaduct!

Chico: Alright, why a duck?! Why a-why a duck? Why-a no chicken?

Groucho: Well, I don’t know vianochicken, I’m a stranger here myself. All I know is that it’s a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you’ll findout why a duck.

Chico: I wasn’t- (mumbles)

Groucho: It’s-it’s deep water that’s why a duck. Deep water.

Chico: That’s alright.

Groucho: Look, look, suppose you were out horsebackriding and you came to that stream and you wanted to fort over. You couldn’t make it, it’s too deep.

Chico: Why do you want with a fort if you have ahorse?

Groucho: Well, I’m sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it’s a viaduct.

Chico: Now, look, I catch onto why-a no horse, why achicken, why this, why that, I no catch onto why aduck.

Groucho: I was only fooling, I was only fooling! They’re gonna build a tunnel there in the morning. Now is that clear to ya?

Chico: Yes, everything except the why a duck.

Groucho: Well, that’s fine, then we can go ahead with this thing. Now look, I’m gonna take you down to show you the cemetery. Ive got a waiting list of 50 people atthat cemetery just dying to get in, but I like you.

Chico: yeah, you’re my friend.

Groucho: I like you and I’m gonna shove you ahead of all of them. Im gonna see that you get a steadyposition, and if I can arrange for it, it’ll be horizontal. Now remember, when the bidding starts, somebody calls out a hundred dollars,

Chico: I say two hundred.

Groucho: That’s grand, and if somebody says threehundred?

Chico: I say four hundred.

Groucho: That’s great! Now you know how to getdown there?

Chico: Oh no.

Groucho: Now look here, you go down there down that narrow path there until you come to that little jungle there, you see it? Where those palms are?There’s a little clearing there, a little clearing with a wire fence around it, you see that wire fence there.

Chico: Alright, why a fence?

Groucho: Oh no! We’re not gonna go through all that again!

Black Hole

May contain traces of nut
Apropos to post 1, that's getting close to the infamous line "the batsman is Holding, the bowler's Willie".


Well-Known Member
Also, in the infamous 1981 series it was something like "Lillee, caught Willey, bowled Dilley".

Deleted member 473

I see the level of humour here is 3' above ground.

Deleted member 473

Driftwood: Say, I just remembered, I came back here looking for somebody. You don't know who it is do you?

Fiorello: Isa funny ting. Isa just slip my mind.

Driftwood: Oh I know, I know, the greatest tenor in the world. That's what I'm after.

Fiorello: Why, I'm his manager!

Driftwood: Who's manager?

Fiorello: The greatest tenor in the world!

Driftwood: The fella that sings at the opera here?!

Fiorello: Sure.

Driftwood: What's his name?

Fiorello: What-a-you care, I can't pronounce it. What you want wit him?

Driftwood: I wanted to sign him up for the New York Opera Company. Do you know America is waiting to hear him sing!?

Fiorello: Well...He can sing loud but he can't sing that loud.

Driftwood: Well I think I can get America to meet him half way. Could he sail tomorrow?

Fiorello: You pay him enough money he could sail yesterday. How much you pay him?

Driftwood: Well I dunno. (Walks off to the side in thought.) Let's see...a thousand dollars a night...I'm entitled to a small profit. (Walks back.) How about ten dollars a night?

Fiorello: Ten, ten dollar. Ha ha ha ha ha ha...I'll take it.

Driftwood: Alright, but remember I get 10% for negotiating the deal!

Fiorello: Yes, and I get 10% for bein' da manager. How much is dat leave?

Driftwood: Well, that leaves em...ahhh...eight dollars.

Fiorello: Eight dollars heh? Well, he sends five a week to his mother.

Driftwood: Well that leaves three dollars.

Fiorello: Can he live in New York on three dollars?

Driftwood: Like a prince! Of course he won't be able to eat, but he could live like a prince. However, out of that three dollars you know, he'll have to pay an income tax.

Fiorello: Oh, is income tax.

Driftwood: Yes you know, there's a federal tax, and a state tax, and a city tax, and street tax, and a sewer tax.

Fiorello: How much isat come to?

Driftwood: Well I figure, if he doesn't sing too often he could break even.

Fiorello: Alright, we take it!

Driftwood: Alright fine. (Takes out contracts, hands one to Fiorello.) Now here are the contracts. You just put his name at the top and you sign at the bottom. (Fiorello looks the paperwork up and down.) There's no need of reading that because these are duplicates.

Fiorello: Yeah...Isa duplicate...Duplicates ah? (Looking senselessly.)

Driftwood: I say they're duplicates!

Fiorello: Oh sure. It'sa duplicates.

Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are?

Fiorello: Sure, those five kids up in Canada.

Driftwood: (Looking at Fiorello/audience.) Well I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been in Canada in years. (Pointing to Fiorello's contract.) Go ahead and read it!

Fiorello: (Running his hand over the paper.) What does it say?

Driftwood: Well go on and read it!

Fiorello: Alright, you read it.

Driftwood: Alright, I'll read it to you! Can you hear?

Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything?

Driftwood: Well I haven't said anything worth hearing.

Fiorello: Well, that's why I didn't hear anything.

Driftwood: Well, that's why I didn't say anything!

Fiorello: Can YOU read?!?

Driftwood: I can read but I can't see it. Don't seem to have it in focus here. (Moving the contract closer to and further from his face.) If my arms were a little longer I could read it...You haven't got a baboon in your pocket have you? Ah. Now I've got it. Now pay particular attention to this first section because it's most important. It says, "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?

Fiorello: No. It's no good.

Driftwood: What's the matter with it?

Fiorello: I don't know, let's hear it again.

Driftwood: Says, "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."

Fiorello: Sounds a little better this time.

Driftwood: Well, it grows on you...Would you like to hear it once more?

Fiorello: Ah...Just the first part.

Driftwood: What do you mean, the party of the first part?

Fiorello: No. The first part of the party of the first part.

Driftwood: Alright it says the umm..."The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part, shall be known in this contract...LOOK...why should we quarrel about a thing like this. We'll take it right out eh? (Tears off sections of contract.)

Fiorello: Ha ha, it's too long anyhow! (rip rip) Now what do we got left?

Driftwood: Well, I've got about a foot and a half. Now it says, "The party of the second part shall be know in this contract as the party of the second part."

Fiorello: Well I don't know about that.

Driftwood: NOW what's the matter?

Fiorello: I don't like the second party either.

Driftwood: Well you should have been at the first party, we didn't get home till around four in the morning...I was blind for three days.

Fiorello: Ay...Look, why can't the first part of the second party be the second part of the first party? Thena you got something!

Driftwood: Well look...ah...Rather than go through all that again, what do you say? (Tears off another section.)

Fiorello: Fine.

Driftwood: Now...ah...Now I've got something here you're bound to like. You'll be crazy about it.

Fiorello: No, I don't like it.

Driftwood: You don't like what?

Fiorello: Whatever it is, I don't like it.

Driftwood: Well let's not break up an old friendship over a thing like that! Ready?

Fiorello: Okay. (rip) Now the next part I don't think you're gonna like.

Driftwood: Well your word's good enough for me...Now then, is my word good enough for you?

Fiorello: I should say not.

Driftwood: Well that takes out two more clauses. (rip) Now the party of the eighth part...

Fiorello: No. Nooo. (rip)

Driftwood: No? The party of the ninth...

Fiorello: No, that's no good too. (rip) Hey, how is it my contract is skinnier than yours?

Driftwood: I dunno, you musta been out on a tear last night. But anyhow we're all set now, aren't we?

Fiorello: Ah, sure.

Driftwood: Now just eh...(hands Fiorello a pen) Put your name right down there and then the deal is eh...Then the deal is legal.

Fiorello: Eh, I forgot to tell you. I can't write.

Driftwood: (shaking the pen) Well that's okay, there's no ink in the pen anyhow. But listen, it's a contract, isn't it?

Fiorello: Oh sure. You bet.

Driftwood: We've got a contract, no matter how small it is!

Fiorello: Hey wait, wait! What does this say here? This thing here?

Driftwood: Oh that. Oh that's the usual clause...that's in every contract. That just"If any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified."

Fiorello: Well, I don't know...

Driftwood: It's alright, that's in every contract! That's what they call a "sanity clause."

Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha can't fool me. There ain't no sanity clause!

Driftwood: (Giving up all hope of a successful conversation, takes off carnation and hands it to Fiorello.) Well you win the white carnation!


Well-Known Member
What's the point of all this? Is it funny?
If you typed all that, then you must be.


The Dumb One
When you read a transcript, it normally is just not funny (to me) but I remember hearing the Goon's sketch and thought it was pretty funny.

Deleted member 473

Save it for the gay forums you frequent, guys.:p
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