A Personal Tale of Medical Ethics Etc

[Black Hole]

No names, no pack drill, and I don't normally advertise personal problems but I'm putting the story out there in case anyone has anything useful to contribute (and it would be extremely welcome).

Regulars will know I have sometimes referred to my "supported user" - an elderly ladyfriend and actually we have considered ourselves "partners" for the last nine years (just gone) because of a shared hobby, who I shall refer to as "J". The last year or so she has been showing signs of dementia, and this has accelerated the last few months possibly because of lockdown.

Back in March she was managing OK, I went over twice a week with shopping etc and we went on walks, and the other days she took herself out while the weather was good. Then I started getting lots of phone calls on the days I wasn't there, and was getting muddled over medication etc, so I made it four days a week so there was no more than one day that could go by without me putting things right again.

Meanwhile, having no power to actually do anything, I got in touch with her brother (who I had never met and never paid much attention to his sister) and explained the situation. He lives a four-hour journey away, and came down when hotels were open again for a one-nighter. He didn't really take my observations seriously. Then Social Services got involved independently, so he had to take notice, but never made proper arrangements.

The next thing I know, he popped down for a third brief visit and fraudulently got J's signature on power of attorney forms (I know because in dealing with J's post I found a bill from the Office of the Public Guardian - which I dutifully forwarded).

I warned him he was sailing close to the wind, and I also said action was urgent because events might overtake his inaction - and they did, only a few days later: J got taken into hospital as a consequence of a routine visit from the practice nurse, within the day. That was three weeks ago.

Oh yes, they had been in touch with the brother, but he didn't tell me. I rang the most likely place and was told she was there, but I would not be permitted to visit without permission from the family. I sent a message to get permission, but received no reply and no answer to my phone calls. A few days later I attempted to visit, but was turned away at the door.

Since then I have pursued every avenue I can think of. Social Services are aware of my importance in J's life, but say they have no jurisdiction while J is in hospital. Age UK had nothing to offer. The hospital advocacy service sympathise but say they are not allowed to tell me anything and cannot overrule the family.

Today I asked what possibility there was for review, and they said none - and what's more now claim J herself says she doesn't want to see me.

So far as I know, J has nobody to visit, bring her treats, bring her anything she might need from her flat. She will have gone into hospital in whatever she was wearing at the time. She has the only key to her flat, within which there is a week's worth of food going rotten.

It is impossible to believe J doesn't want to see me, unless she believes what has happened is somehow my fault, or unless she has been briefed against me. It is entirely possible she will go into a home rather than back to her flat, and under the current situation I will never know.

I could settle for that, if I was sure she was OK and really didn't want to see me - but there is a gaping lack of explanation for me to settle with. Somebody somewhere seems to think a nine-year loving relationship can be dissolved just like that. I feel I am owed an explanation, if nothing else.

But I am owed something else. There are items of my property in her flat, on loan, and I have been supplying groceries and paying bills - four months since the last settle-up, so that's over £1000.

 

[MikeSh]

I really, really do understand and sympathise with your situation, but I'm not going to try and sugar-coat it - I think you have been overtaken by the law. It's somewhat similar to not making a will because you think there will be time later ... and then there isn't.

We had/have a vaguely similar situation with our Asperger's daughter. She can't/won't look after her affairs but once she turned 18 we can only step in if she tells the college/bank/doctor/etc that she wants us too - every time. She won't agree to an LPoA, so it's a pain. But at least we are next-of-kin.

Cynically, the brother possibly just wants to ensure her estate doesn't go elsewhere and absent any legal document to the contrary he is within his rights (assuming there are no other kin).
As regards not wanting to see you, dementia can do that. She may remember things from decades ago but when asked about you simply doesn't recognise the name (though if you were there she might recognise the face). Again, you have no grounds to demand access.

From what you say I think your only recourse is to try and win the brother over by some amount. As far as you describe things I think that to do that you will have to drop any and all financial 'claims' and hopefully win some visitation.

 

[prpr]

I sent a message to get permission, but received no reply and no answer to my phone calls.

Ah, the whiff of money has been smelt by the brother and he's not going to let anyone else anywhere near. Seen it all before. We had something similar with my uncle's wife after he died and her kids (from first marriage) syphoned everything off by getting her to change her will whilst in the not so early stages of dementia. They had their share when he died (as did we), and everything else when she did (the original intent was to divide it between us all) - not that they even told us when she died; I only found out several months too late after browsing the 'death notices'.

There are items of my property in her flat, on loan, and I have been supplying groceries and paying bills - four months since the last settle-up, so that's over £1000.

Sorry to be brutal, but you should never have let it get to that stage. It should have been settled at the time. Can you prove you've paid and not been recompensed?
You might get your property back, if you are lucky. Can you prove it's yours? Did you not foresee this happening and think how you might get your stuff back?
I would be very surprised if she ever goes back to the flat. Basically you are stuffed, about all of it.

 

[Black Hole]

As a nuclear option, I can still contact the Office of the Public Guardian with my concerns over the PoA application.

It's not like there is a lot of money in the pot - even less after she's spent a year or three in a care home.

 

[Black Hole]

Sorry to be brutal, but you should never have let it get to that stage. It should have been settled at the time.

Circumstances: if it were not for Covid, it would have been.

 

[Black Hole]

We had/have a vaguely similar situation with our Asperger's daughter. She can't/won't look after her affairs but once she turned 18 we can only step in if she tells the college/bank/doctor/etc that she wants us too - every time. She won't agree to an LPoA, so it's a pain. But at least we are next-of-kin.

Thanks for sharing that - yes, it does sound like a very similar situation.

 

[RobH1]

My wife and I were both Deputies for her sister and brother-in law who had dementia. The whole process was time consuming (5 years) but at least we had a competent solicitor to guide us.
Social Services were a pain throughout and we told them they'd better serve the public by getting another job!

OPG were so so, at least you could speak to them, but in your case BH, as you are not a Deputy, they have no reason to speak to you.

You probably have seen this but again they do not have to tell you anything.

I would seek a solicitor's opinion and don't go it alone.

I have every sympathy, but prpr has it in a nutshell.

Best of luck.

 

[Oatcake]

I can sympathise. My dad died from vascular dementia approx 5 years ago. And now my mum has dementia plus Alzheimer's. In the more advanced stages the person that you used to know is effectively "just gone" but the body remains. VERY sad indeed. I am a joint deputy (with my sister) via the OPG. Mum sometimes thinks that I'm her brother. She regularly forgets that her husband is dead. Her recent memories are all gone, but she still has some of the older memories. She no longer does any kind of hobbies like she used to, she just watches TV from morning until night. But on the plus side she's not in any pain and is given food that she enjoys.


Regarding the alleged fraudulent power of attorney, I would advise that you act very quickly if you are going to. To sign a binding PoA she needs to have been mentally competent. If no-one challenges the brother's PoA then he is surely free to just take her money for his own gain in one truly foul swoop (if you suspect that he's that kind of person). It sounds like J would benefit if this was contested, since then HER life savings/ house etc could be used to make HER more comfortable (possibly with the management of the OPG). But the rub is that she would probably never know who had helped her out.

It looks like you would not need to spend any money to report this, if you want to:- Check out https://publicguardihow-we-do-investigations-at-opg. It says, "Anyone who has concerns about a deputy or attorney can report them to us. We will carry out an investigation if there are grounds to suggest that the best interests of the person at risk are not being met."


Regarding the money that you spent on groceries - I would imagine that this would be difficult to prove in the small claims court. If you have receipts for the items on loan, then maybe there's a chance of getting them back. I would be thinking of talking to citizens advice. Or, perhaps, if you're up to it then your local radio might have a phone-in "consumer/ advice" hour (it would be anon, and you wouldn't be able to mention any names obviously, but it might shame the brother into being an honest person if he gets a call from them).

 

[Black Hole]

I've thought about it, but I don't think there is anything to gain by challenging the PoA, although I have a hunch that's why I'm being shut out. It's not like I would be able to register as PoA myself - but if I had had a crystal ball I would have pursued the matter at the start of lockdown.

Denying J access to companionship appears callous, but there's no law against it.

 

[Oatcake]

I don't think there is anything to gain by challenging the PoA

I completely understand if you don't want to challenge this potential "fraud". But "J"'s money could be used to keep her in her own home, with some extra paid care provided by a care provider company (my mum is still in her own home with regular, paid, visits from a care agency). This seems like a gain to me. But it depends also on your own well-being, and how much fraud you may be up to challenging. I'm not mega assertive myself so I completely sympathise with your situation.

 

[Black Hole]

If there is no PoA, everything gets handled by a solicitor appointed by the Office of the Public Guardian, so there are costs. My considered opinion has always been that sitting alone at home with shifts of care workers coming and going is less satisfactory than a caring care home.

 

[Oatcake]

My considered opinion has always been that sitting alone at home with shifts of care workers coming and going is less satisfactory than a caring care home.

So you'd rather that you never see your own friends again after going into a care home? Not for me.

EDIT: ideally I'd rather see my old freinds, AND have new friends available

 

[Black Hole]

So you'd rather that you never see your own friends again after going into a care home? Not for me.

EDIT: ideally I'd rather see my old freinds, AND have new friends available

Not in these circumstances (dementia), and old friends can still visit (Covid notwithstanding). When TV no longer entertains, you can no longer remember how to make a cup of tea, and you need somebody constantly on hand to round you up and point you in the right direction, a comfortable care home with caring staff is by far the best idea.

 

[Oatcake]

When TV no longer entertains, you can no longer remember how to make a cup of tea, and you need somebody constantly on hand to round you up and point you in the right direction, a comfortable care home with caring staff is by far the best idea.

Indeed. In all honesty I think my mum is not far off the care home stage. I think that being able to make a cuppa seems quite a good gauge of ability, and thankfully she can still safely do that for herself. My sister used to work as a carer and so I'm willing to follow her advice about when the time is right for her to go into a home. I find it a bit of a downer to think about it, but I'm not sure why. The people who worked at my dad's care home were all very nice. The residents sat in a lounge together during the daytime (a couple of them were a bit annoying, just randomly SHOUTING nonsense, but I guess that you'd get used to that if you lived there full time). Everything was clean, etc.

I hope that J doesn't decline too rapidly and hopefully you'll be able to have more chats with her at some point.

 

[Black Hole]

I've been through all this before, and it is a huge wrench to "lose" somebody to a care home, but people don't realise how demanding it is to cope, especially when there is only one person to do the caring. I think it gets left too late, for purely sentimental reasons, and it would actually make more sense (if it is practical) to make the transition early - when there is a chance the "patient" is still able to understand and make the adjustment. I know if I could afford to go and live somewhere where everything is taken care of for you, I would jump at it.

 

[Deleted member 473]

Sounds like she was not in a mental state to ok power of attorney. It would be void.

Does she leave anything? Is the brother after excluding you as a common law husband?

Anyway, rotten times, BH, you are in my thoughts.

 

[Black Hole]

Is the brother after excluding you as a common law husband?

What the heck is a common-law husband? There is no such thing in law.

Sounds like she was not in a mental state to ok power of attorney. It would be void.

Yep, but how do you prove that, and what would be the point? It got pushed through as a pragmatic step, but without due consideration.

Does she leave anything?

No will either. Not that she has a great deal, and even less once care home fees have been paid.

I have now become aware she is subject of safeguarding (presumably because of the dementia evident on admission to hospital), which automatically means only close family would be allowed access anyway unless they specifically authorised - so I was kept out simply by sitting on their hands (and they told me they welcomed that, so clearly I'm not flavour of the month with them for reasons unknown, despite them having had very little to do with J over many years.

I also now have hints J has been discharged - presumably to a care home somewhere, but I have no idea where.

 

[Deleted member 473]

OK, well, if you know it all already and don't want to discuss things civilly, why raise it here? I suggest you just remove this thread.

 

[Trev]

And I suggest that you stop poking your nose into threads just to criticize other posters.

 

[Black Hole]

don't want to discuss things civilly

It seems to me the shoe is on the other foot. Please give an example of incivility.

OK, well, if you know it all already

I don't assume I know it all, new ideas are always welcome, but knowledge and situations develops over time and this thread has been open several weeks, so if you are only responding to the first post you are behind the curve.

suggest you just remove this thread.

Why? The situation has not come to a conclusion yet, and I imagine thread participants and others will be interested to follow what happens. It is also nice for me to be able to blog about it and get things off my chest, this forum being my mainstay for social discourse - certainly at the moment. Even an occasional supportive post is extremely welcome.

It's not the first time either. Turn the clock back 10 years and I was live-in 24/7 carer for another ladyfriend with Alzheimer's. Forums provided my only escape, but back then it was mainly a car forum I had been involved with (and no longer exists).